A Lonely City

It is a cloudy day. When I sat on the bus, listening to songs from the Tong and Jiang, I can’t help falling tears. Yes. For a long time, I haven’t cried. For no reason at all. No, no reason is a lie. Nothing happened has no reason. It’s just small reasons. Anyway, cry is a good thing, a way to explode and relax, giving out the poisonous stuff inside.

I am going to leave this place, although I need to come back after graduate thesis presentation. It is the first time I come to this kind of institute. To be honest, I really like here. Because it is free, flexible and people are kind-heated. Warmth I felt from people, especially in my office. In the later part of time, I even stayed in another office alone. I love this kind of feeing too. In a word, I am a freedom-lover person.

Here I spent two months in the period of internship. I learned something. I translated a lot documents and ppts. Before the forum started, Mareike came to help us polish PPTs. She is a German, speaking perfect English, very tall and slim. I like her indeed. She works in a very detailed, earnest and serious way. I appreciate this point. Sometimes I think she likes a student, very simple, innocent not complicated at all.

We held out forum at Dashanzi Arts district. If it were not a rainy day and we have to be present all the time at the forum, I would have traveled that place which is really unique. Actually venue of out forum is part of the Arts district, which has already surprised me enough. It is a combination of old and modern. This venue is built based the storehouse of the past time. There are old German machines. There are words on the wall saying Read Chairman Mao’s books, listen Chairman Mao’s words and follow Chairman Mao’s order. Of course these words were written in that times and now in a vague state. When I stepped into the venue, I said to myself: it is really suitable to held a serious international forum. Later Xinzai said, actually it is very unique. This is the place’s specialty. Indeed, too special. With all the newest modern equipment in this ancient storehouse. I can’t help admiring those who first invented this great idea. It is said that this venue used to hold many concerts. Truly, the studio effect in this place is fantastic. Anyway, I think holding a concert here is a better choice.

On the way back to dormitory, I chatted with Xinzi who gave me a lot encouragement to face more challenges and get confident with myself. Indeed, maybe I need quite a long time to become proficient in public affairs.

This forums I saw many super guys. No , super women. One is a female entrepreneur. Actually I think she is the most attractive person among all these presented entrepreneurs. Professional, confident and cool. She is over 30 years old, still very young. However, with hard work, she has wrinkle along eyes. She must be pretty tired. But she is still very beautiful. A successful women who will own greater success in the near future.

Another one is a female investor who is a director in public affairs in Citi. She is really great. In the rehearsal, I was in the conference room, helping the language communication. But I failed still because my poor confidence and lack of such experience. She was there, and almost did everything. I am really ashamed of myself. But my admiration of her is not merely this. She is really a strong woman., no ordinary female at all.

I look forward to a strong Xiao in the future.

It's the end of my last study semester here. Three and a half year I have been here. I love here, quiet, segregated from the outside, although I become dull and ignorant. But still I like the simpleness.

Time seems to be permanent topic. I remember I used to write a great proportion about time in my diary. I have given up writing diary. I dont know why. A lyric saying, "there is no difference in life everday, and then it stops. "

I dont know how cold I am, but I alway feel a feeling of distant to everyone. But even I am alone, it seems that I wont feel lonely. On the contrary, I am very comfortable with myself alone. Maybe that's part of reason whY I become duller. Psychologists also prove this point. Teachers also say English major students are also becoming stupid because of lacking logical thinking. How terribe! I am doomed to be dull and stupid. A dull girl.

I will go home soon. Hope mom would not be too disppointed with my short hair.

     Is women really inferior than men? I am puzzled. To look at the society, men almost dominate all the walks of life. It is the man who takes the role of leader to manage and to  make decisions.They stand higher places than women. Most executives, mangers, and administrators in high rank of management are males. It is enough to prove this fact if you seach in the internet for the employment post. Many positions, especially in the high rank of managing, are only available for men. When I realise this ,I am not willing to accept it and I feel a little angry. It is very possible that women can achieve what men will achieve but women are not given a single chance. Perhaps the most horrible thing is that the fact women are less powerful than men has become a social recognition. Women themselves are saying : I am not so strong. I can not achieve anything big. I don't have such ability. I can only do what I can do. Let men do it. They accept it and give in. They are not really less powerful than men. But indeed soul weaker.

     I hope one day I can behave like an adult rather than a child. Perhaps my wish is a little stupid. But when I am nervous and shy in some formal situations and I don't know how to say appropritely and my face shows childish expression, at that time I really hope I can grow up. But to thnk rationally, it is hardly possible for a young girl to appear like a mature professional woman, experiences make people mature. I just need time and practice and experience. Anyway I hope I can be satisfied with myself.

     I have never planned my futhur carrer,  because whenever I thought about my topic, my mind is blank. I don't know what I like, what suits me and what I should do. Now in face of graduation, maybe I have to think about it.

     My personality: I am not good at public speaking. I am not used to opening heart to people. Not the style that can make friends easily. But that does't mean I am very introverted. Just now I wrote "I am atypical shy and introverted girl". However, when I looked at this line and I think about myself for a while, am I really so reserved and introverted in front of people. It seems I'm not. People can change if they really want to change . Just as one book says, human skills can be improved through experience and training. And I believe I'm not a stubborn stone. I can change. I believe. And I will make every effort.

      Yesterday I took part in a telephone sales training given by Mrs Wang. She does a very good job in 中华英才网,although she only worked in that field for 2 years. She is obvious an out-going , good at dealing with human relationships, and very smart person who can see through people's mind. A sophisticated professional woman who is successful and will be successful in the future. She really finds a job suiting her.  Is it possiblethat  I can become a person like her in the future? I don't know. But I know if you want success, you have to pay and pain. The truth:No pain,no gain. No one can take an easy road to get what you want.

       Now I feel frustrated, because I still in a chaos in my mind. I still stuck in it and can not find a way out. What should I do in the future? 
      Perhaps it is impossible for me to work out it. But I hope I can work in a company which has  enogh room and potential to develop. And I can learn a lot and fulfill myself. The working exoerience can turn me into a professional carrer woman. And I have my aim. Working in that corporation, I can improve all the time. And I am satisfied and glad that I serve some functions for my coporation.

      

写给将来的妻子